Who Am I?

“I think you’re having an identity crisis” my therapist Chad said to me and I knew he was right. I had been trying to figure out who I was and who I could be at this dreaded age of 66. I'd had so many recent changes that it was hard to know.

I have had a lot of titles, roles and purposes in life.

I was born a daughter to my good parents, in the middle of two brothers. My younger brother was physically and mentally handicapped so I learned at a young age how to be a helper and to witness my parents have this unconditional love for this damaged little baby and never once complain. My baby brother was always our baby. My first titles were that of being a daughter, and a sister.

My childhood was good, filled with family, friends, and fun. We moved when I was 13 and I left all I knew behind which was only 200 miles but may as well have been 2000. I became the new kid, a horrible title at that age.

I thought I had fun in high school but it was a waste of four years doing things that contributed nothing to building my character.

I ended up being a single mother at 18. I was a baby raising a baby. I had no idea what I was doing but I did know that I loved this little human more than I thought was possible. And I had great support. The title of mother. Not just mother. Teenage mother. Unwed teenage mother.

I joined the LDS church and became a Mormon! Now that's a new title. The Church saved my life. I don’t know what choices I would have made if I hadn’t had that iron rod to hold on to. I loved everything about the church for many years. I finally felt like something that filled my body and soul was good for me. I did struggle through the years where I fit and how I aligned my thoughts and feelings with beliefs that were different. I stumbled. I fell. I left, and I returned, but with that gained the title of inactive Mormon. But I never lost the title of Daughter of God.

After five years of the single mother gig we moved to Utah, to Zion! Here I was; the new person again. I had wonderful experiences there! I started college at 25 and completed an AA. I was accepted to BYU, something I would have never dreamed for myself. I had been dating my husband for two years and now I had a big decision to make because it didn’t seem feasible to do both. I declined the offer to BYU and got married! So typical, especially for a woman. And I started working, and never stopped. We had two more daughters to add to our little family. They were pretty darn perfect. They were good kids and made life easier than it could have been. By now I had the title of wife. And now a working mother. During this time we had moved our family back to California (well it was "back" for me, but a big change for my born and raised Utah husband.)

I became a social worker, a couple of years in Aging and then in Child Welfare. I loved my job, and the title of Social Worker, but after many years it was sucking the life out of me and my family. At the age of 44 I finished my BA. I now was a college graduate!

When I was 37 I lost my mother; another title, motherless daughter. This was by far my hardest trial and always would be, only surpassed by losing my husband. How does a young wife and mother get through life without her own mother? Very painfully is how.

I moved up in my career promoting to a supervisor and later a manager. I spent five years working in Mental Health. During this time I finished an MBA program - a title that did not feel worth the blood, sweat and tears I put into it. It actually was a bad decision but since I worked my ass off for it I told my kids I wanted it on my tombstone. Master Ronda!😊

During these difficult years my father also died, leaving me an orphan, a title I hated. I soon realized a girl needs her dad a lot too!

I later earned the title of mother-in-law and Gigi. I loved having another guy in the family. I so love being a GiGi and the bright hope those four little girls bring to me.

I would be amiss if I didn’t include other titles that I have been honored with and are very important to me - aunt, cousin, and friend.

In 2014 my husband was diagnosed with Central Nervous System Brain Lymphoma. We were empty nesters, a title we were loving! It was the beginning of five hellish years, for the most part. My husband was gone and left me with a stranger I didn’t know or recognize and at times questioned how I could have ever loved. I became one of three of his caretakers. I hated being a caretaker! I hated the title even. I was not good at it and there were more tears, screams of frustration and anger than I could handle. And a lot of cussing. So much cussing.

Then he died and my sick husband was gone - leaving me with all the good memories and love we shared before the cancer. I’ve often wondered what was easier. I was so tired of being sad, lonely, lost and exhausted! So here I was with yet another title - widow. But being sad, lonely, lost and exhausted didn’t go away as I had imagined they would. I don’t think they ever will.

A year after my husband died, for reasons that made sense at the time, I retired and three months later relocated to Utah leaving my home, my family, my friends and all the memories, but bringing with me the titles, adding that of a retiree and a Utah citizen.

I have actually loved all these titles barring those that involved pain and loss. I have especially loved being a wife and having a partner, being a daughter, a mother and a GiGi, although I have often questioned how good I am at some of those titles. I’m not being modest. I just think I suck at a lot of things.

So Chad, who am I? What’s my identity? Where do I find my self worth, my purpose, my reason for being? What do I have to give back to the world? Quite honestly, all I know is I’m tired. So so tired of trying to meet these expectations and feeling like a failure. I actually think being somewhere where all these expectations are lifted seems really inviting and peaceful. ALERT: I was not suicidal when I wrote this. But I was in a pretty low place and decided to share that piece, rather than deleting it.