Once Broken, It's Never The Same

A couple of weeks ago as I was running late to the movies with my grandkids, I turned too soon while pulling out of the garage. It's a bit of a science with 3 cars and a slanted driveway and I do it every day but that day I was scattered and I could NOT figure out what the beeping sound was for. Well, it was telling me I was too close to the side which caused the collision with the wall. I swore in front of my grandkids, and apologized later, and I knew this was not that bad and could be fixed with no damage to the engine. But I was bummed. This was the nicest car I have ever had and it took me 2 years to decide on everything I wanted. It's only 3 1/2 years old and is in perfect shape with low mileage. I knew it could be repaired to look "as good as new" but I knew that regardless, the car had been broken and even if I was the only one who knew it, it wasn't the same.

When I was in probably the first grade I got a doll for Christmas that could walk if you held her hands. Everyone got to bring one toy to class and I begged my mom to let me take the doll. She agreed but said "you know you cannot try and sit her down, or let anyone else try, or her legs will break." I agreed and was so happy and proud to have that doll. I honestly don't remember when or why or how but the doll was forced to sit down and guess what? It broke her legs. I remember running home crying after school and when I saw my mom I said "her legs are broken!" She looked at me and said "how did that happen?" I must have decided to tell the truth and said "I tried to sit her down." I was hoping and praying in my heart that she would tell me she would get me another one although now I realize how much they had to have saved to get that doll. She just looked at me and said "well, now you have a doll with broken legs." She didn't yell at me although I'm sure she was disappointed that I failed to keep that one rule. She also didn't say "let's see if Dad can fix it" or "maybe you can ask for another one next year." That was the end of the story; the doll was broken and she couldn't be fixed.

And, how can you mend a broken heart?

How can you stop the rain from falling down?

How can you stop the sun from shining?

What makes the world go round?

How can you mend this broken man?

How can a loser ever win?

Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again

When we think of something being broken, we usually think of our hearts. I don't think anyone gets through life unscathed from a broken heart. A broken heart doesn't necessarily mean from a romantic love. It can be from anyone or anything. I've had my heart broken a few times, actually a lot of times. When someone breaks up a relationship whether intentionally or unintentionally, the result is usually a broken heart. Sometimes that pain is so intense that we literally feel our heart breaking. A relationship I had that I never imagined would end, did. And all I could say was "he broke my heart." I try not to think about it too much or the pain from that heart break resurfaces. How many of us have watched a movie or even a reel that is so impactful that you can literally feel your heart breaking? I think that's a good thing sometimes. It reminds you that you have a heart. Like the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz said "Now I know I've got a heart because it's breaking."

When Randy was diagnosed with CNSBL it came on fast (once we knew something was wrong!) His poor brain and body went through so much in the first few months but I had hope that he could get better in time; mainly because that's what the doctors told us. But he didn't. He only got worse. I remember realizing at some point that his mind and body were so broken and he would never be the same. Just like my doll. And I was presented with the same thoughts my mom had given me, "well now you have a broken husband, and he's not going to get better." (that's a whole other blog post later). People break. Their minds break. Their bodies break. Sometimes things can be repaired, but it's usually never quite the same.

The word break is used in so many ways. How often have we heard about someone who has gone through very tough times and others say "I think they're broken" or "this last time finally broke them" or even "She broke me!" Not only is their heart broken, but their spirit. Their soul. People are often left with not much to work with as they try to move forward.

Other body parts are used in terms of breaking something. When someone is going to perform something we often say "Break a leg!" Of course, we don't want them to break a leg, we mean for them to do a good job! The most common is "break my back." That is most often used in terms of working really hard, both physically and mentally, to finish something to the point that "I broke my back finishing that project today" or "I broke my back painting the whole house today." I'm sure we have all experienced breaking our backs in many situations in life. We understand how it feels to be exhausted after working so hard and pushing ourselves to the level of breaking our back.

Breaking something isn't necessarily a bad thing, including breaking someone's heart. Sometimes we break something because it's what is needed to happen and we are taking care of ourselves as we see best. Breaking habits is a good thing and it's a hard thing. I have not been very successful at breaking habits. Probably my most successful one was breaking the habit of drinking Diet Pepsi (that sounds trivial but I'm not mentioning other habits I haven't broken.) Those who knew and worked with me knew what a serious habit it was for me. But here I am; age 70, and no longer drinking Diet Pepsi. People break patterns and cycles and behaviors that they have developed through the years, often from their childhood or some form of trauma. It took me years to break my habit of drinking Diet Pepsi. When I reflect on my years of working in Child Welfare, when clients had their children removed they were ordered, as an example, to "stop drinking and using drugs, learn how to be a good parent, stop seeing your toxic boyfriend, and get a decent place for your children to live. Oh, and you need to do this in 6 months or possibly 12 if you're lucky." No wonder so many parents failed. Breaking patterns and cycles is hard, especially when someone has never known any different.

People break different things every day; rules, guidelines, policies, laws, oaths, covenants, and resolutions. Sometimes that's a decision a person makes intentionally. Perhaps they believe they will be a happier and better person if they broke an agreement or they feel like it's the right thing to do in spite of what they previously agreed to. So, I'm a crime story addict (another habit.) Give me a story with some law enforcement, investigators, attorneys and judges and I'm your girl. I just got full access to BBC and let me tell you, the Brits know how to tell a crime story. So often there is a point in the story where a police officer or an attorney or even a doctor is faced with doing something out of the legal guidelines of their job. Their partner may say "you took an oath! If you do this, you will be breaking that oath." Then the brave, but oathbreaker at that specific point, person says "I know. I know I will. But I'm going to do it anyway!"

Sometimes people break a promise. They may promise to never repeat the secret you told them but when they feel you, or someone else is in danger, they break that promise. A broken promise often correlates with a broken heart. For example, when someone says "I promise I will always be there for you, no matter what!" and they even put it in writing, but when circumstances change, they break that promise. I think about all the promises I made to others and to myself, including those I have broken for whatever reason. So think about those promises when you make them, the results can be devastating for others.

A new term I've become familiar with in recent years is breaking your shelf. In case you aren't familiar with it, it refers to things that may caution you to think or question or have doubts about which can include anything, but usually it's a large set of beliefs or values, such as a religion or a political party or person, or an organization. When that happens most people put that issue they are struggling with on a shelf in the back of their mind and carry on with their lives. Then something else happens or they learn something new and it goes on the shelf. Most often, over time, the shelf is going to finally break, and with that often (but not always) comes a different set of beliefs, values, behaviors and way of life. People fight against that shelf breaking and try to sustain it for years. When the shelf breaks, people are often asked "so what was it that finally broke your shelf?" It's similar to "the straw that broke the camel's back." It's just that one more thing, one more time, one more change, one more story, one more person when the shelf has collapsed and you realize, "I'm done."

This could honestly go on forever. I started making a list of phrases that include the word break. There is such a wide range, meaning so many different things, including

• You sound like a broken record!

• If it ain't broken, why fix it?

• All hell is breaking loose

• She is breaking out of her shell

• Breaking and entering (not a good one, unless you're one of those police officers mentioned above)

• Someone is at their breaking point (much like the broken shelf and the last straw)

• Break even

• Break a spell

• Breaking the ice (remember those "Ice Breaker" activities? Boo!)

• Breaking bread

• Break the bank, or being broke

• A broken home

• A broken road

• A lucky break!

• Breaking a record (usually a good thing!)

• I finally got a break!

Lastly, if you have been a supervisor or manager in any capacity, how many times have you heard "I was on my break!" or "hey! I'm taking a break!" That one is usually used as a first line response to any questionable behavior such as "hey! I've been looking for you. You have an emergency" followed by "Oh, I was on my break!" and a response oftentimes of "I've been checking your desk for 40 minutes" and I can attest that I heard too many times "oh yeah! I'm combining my breaks today and one from yesterday that I never took." Even though it doesn't work that way, it never stopped people from trying. I can't say I miss that about my career.

Back to the car. I actually handled that much better than I would have in the past. I'm still sad and bummed and mad at myself for the stupid mistake. The car will look as good as new. I know it will. But it will never be quite the same.