The Many Lessons I've Learned

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Life has been nothing but change for me these last few years. Hard change. The hardest I’ve ever experienced. And there’s going to be a lot more. Yesterday was my last day working for Tulare County Child Welfare Services! Yep, I’m officially retired. It happened much quicker than I planned but there were some incentives that made it worth leaving a couple months sooner. I didn’t have much time to think about it because I was working about 60 hours a week the last 3 weeks to get done what I needed to do before I left. And then this coronavirus hit and all meetings and gatherings stopped, including a retirement luncheon for me. So I’ve had to think back and realize that was my last....” (these terms won’t mean anything to most of you). “My last Family Engagement Staffings.” “My last Intelegy meeting.” “My last Leadership meeting.” “My last individual with each of my staff.” “My last time seeing my staff before they were sent to work from home.” This was an insightful way to reflect on what I would miss the most after 34 years in public service (21 in Tulare County and 13 in Kings....27 in Child Welfare, 5 in Behavioral Health, and 2 in Aging). And then after processing all of this I was asked if I was interested in working extra help for awhile as the agency goes through this difficult crisis. I said yes! That still needs some approvals so I’m waiting to hear if that’s a go! So my last day was interesting....bye but maybe not bye. Hug but not supposed to hug. Cry but save the tears for the final goodbye but maybe this is the final goodbye! I’m hoping I am able to support the agency but my career is officially over. So bear with me as I share what I have learned, some, but not all, of my crazy experiences (I can’t mention everything even though I’m retired) what I am thankful for, and what I will miss.

I’ve learned that being a leader is not a title or an assignment. It’s a set of values and skills and talents of which I certainly don’t posses all of. But I’m thankful for good leaders. I’m most thankful for Mary Anne Ford Sherman who was the best leader I’ve ever had in all my years starting as a social worker and ending as a manager. She was not perfect, but she was amazing. She was inspiring and supportive and both trusting and trustworthy and real! I learned so much from her, but especially what an amazing mother she is! “One of the leadership qualities that define a good leader is honesty. ... Your company /agency and its employees are a reflection of yourself, and if you make honest and ethical behavior as a key value, your team will follow. So remember to lead by example. A leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way.” Thanks for being the best MAFS! And thanks to all my leaders in my last 8 years in Tulare County.. Juliet DeFoe Webb (thanks for hiring me in Tulare County and believing in me) John Mauro, Anita Ortiz, Natalie Johnson Bolin and Courtney Sallam. I learned something from all of you!

I’ve learned that it’s beyond helpful when you are having personal issues and your place of work, which deals with families, walks the walk and talks the talk. The last 4 1/2 years were sad and anxiety ridden and stressful and filled with the deepest grief I didn’t know existed. But my director ALWAYS made me feel like I needed to do whatever was best for me and for Randy. She always said “family comes first.” And they do! So thank you Anita Ortiz for always allowing me to be available and present when Randy needed me, even at the end.

I’ve seen just about everything in my 34 years - I’ve seen people stab someone in the back to get ahead only to have the same thing done to them. I’ve seen people have so much of their identity wrapped up in their title and their status that when the chips fell, and they usually do at some point, they weren’t able to withstand that fall from grace. I’ll leave it at that - those who know the story, understand the sadness. I’ve had allegations against me for sexual harassment, racial discrimination and a few other eyebrow raising issues - yes, anyone can say ANYTHING! I’ve had a boss throw something at me across the desk, a boss steal their county computer before they got fired, and a (later to be) boss peel an orange - and eat it- while interviewing me for a new position. I’ve been beat up by a client (sorry Susan Nelson, so traumatic for both of us), spent probably hundreds of hours with one little girl when we couldn’t find placement for a month to the point of Kiley crying and saying “you love &$@ more than you do us!" and completed the High Ropes course in spite of my fear of heights just because some teenage foster youth wanted me to SOOO bad - and I wanted THEM to be SOOO excited about watching me do it as they cheered me on. I've been chased by clients while trying to save the mother and her groceries (Leticia Castaneda and I were quite the team), and had the privilege of making up the spelling for a baby when the mother didn’t know how. (That baby was adopted and still has that name!) These are just a few of the experiences that come to mind - there have been many! It’s been a wild ride Mr. Toad!

I’ve learned that your peers become your friends, and your family. I’ve had my peers take me to the ER and hold my head up while I was passing out. I've had them spend countless hours decorating my office for my birthday (hey wait, that’s the same peer -  Debby Moreno.)  I've almost been trampled with 3 of my peers by a llama in the parking lot (or was that an emu???.) It was actually a sheep, of course there's a story for that! I’ve dressed up as a goddess with all of Management in front of the Board of Supervisors (which I hated!). Thank you Brenda M. Randle and Mary Jewell!  I had my own personal therapist (who is really a therapist) to help me and support me through all these difficult times the last few years. And it didn’t cost me a penny. Haha! Darcy Massey you’re the best! I’ve had them laugh with me, cry with me, get in trouble with me, and yell at me or from me including a few cuss words thrown in there (haha! Eliseo S Gonzalez Jr.) I've had them celebrate weddings and grandchildren and all the joys of life (Shelly Davis Verboon) and mourn with me, including joining me as a widow seven months after my loss (Deborah Hernandez.) So to those peers on Facebook - Debby Moreno, Brenda Randle, Shelly Verboon, Sal Gonzale, Susan Warkentin Turner, Jennifer Lang, Deborah Hernandez, Darcy Massey, Natalie Johnson Bolin, and for those who aren’t - especially Mary Ann Cantu and Gary Kupfer; thank you for being part of my career and my life. Thank you for being my friend!

I’ve learned that the people you supervise become those who teach you the most. I’ve had such great experiences with those I’ve had the honor of calling “my staff." (About 90% positive - there are always those few.) There are too many to name - I’ve supervised a lot of people in the last 20 years but some of the best in Kings County were Sue Spratley, Antonio Lopez and Jackie Jones and then some of the amazing staff I’ve had in the last 8 years - Robert Bufanda, Mireya Anaya,Courtney Sallam, Janet Robinson Mandi Ward, Madeleine Cruz Leandra Mora, and Jennifer Menne Olmedo. And the one I’ve had the longest, who I think is my “scarecrow from Wizard of Oz”.... Jennifer Paredez Drake. I think I’ll miss you most of all.” These women are the best of the best - the best wives, the best mothers, the best daughters, and the best public servants you will ever find. These women have spent more time with me than my family and personal friends - they too have laughed and cried with me, and found the good in the world with me. I’ll also miss the social workers I’ve had the honor of working with over the years - literally hundreds! You are all amazing people!

I’ve learned that when you spend enough time with a person you can form a connection even though on the surface you have NOTHING in common. But I learned that people are people and you have to open your mind and your heart to allow those relationships to develop into something special. What does an older white Mormon lady have in common with a young male Hispanic Jehovah Witness ? Nothing! And everything! Thank you Sal Lucatero for giving me that experience. Our Bermuda Triangle was the best - and thank you for giving me the gift of Grey’s Anatomy 😝

And lastly I’ve learned that “there by the grace of God, go I.” There is in fact evil in the world but for the most part there are people who have had crappy parents and crappy childhoods and a lot of trauma and grief and loss and sometimes don’t know how to be a good parent. But they aren’t necessarily bad people. Most of the people I dealt with love their children very much, just not very well. And when you look into their eyes, without judgment, and listen to them, you (usually) feel sorrow and empathy and sadness and again, just say to yourself “there by the grace of God, go I.” Although I had little client contact as a manager, my interactions with clients at family staffings is something I will miss the most.

I also learned that we need to treat those with a mental illness with kindness and compassion. No one ever asked to be born with this disease. And it is a disease. I’m so thankful for my time at Behavioral Health. Those years changed my perspective on many things, for the better. So thank you to all those clients who taught me numerous lessons. And thank you JM for being the best gift I could ever get as a social worker; you are awesome!

During my career I’ve worked with so many different programs and populations - the aging, commercially sexually exploited children, suicide prevention, substance abuse, domestic violence, family members who have a loved one with a mental illness, severely emotionally disturbed children....and the list goes on. There were times I didn’t think my heart would hold up before it burst! There is so much sadness and sorrow in the world BUT I’ve also seen amazing resilience from people who overcame their challenges and found a way to give back to the world through their experiences. They are my heroes!

I’ve had the opportunity to become colleagues with people from all areas who also became my friends - police officers, attorneys, nurses, therapists, drug counselors, support staff and so so many more. People are not in the helping field for the money! They’re in it for the occasional opportunity to feel like MAYBE they made a difference in someone’s life. And they do! There are so many other things I will miss; getting dressed up every day (what am I going to do with all these clothes???), going to lunch, my very homey office, staffing cases, and obviously the relationships. Because relationships are what is important in life. That is the greatest lesson I have learned of all! Soooooo....”retirement is after climbing the mountain, you finally get to enjoy the view.” I’m ready for the view!