I Wish I Had Loved Him Like I Was Gonna Lose Him

I've heard many people say “I have no regrets in life” or “I try not to have regrets.” I am someone who regrets too many things, things that don’t matter in the big scheme of life, things that I thought were right or that I did my best with at the time, things that I had no control over at the time. This is not healthy by the way but it is normal to have regrets. Brene Brown said, “No regrets doesn't mean living with courage, it means living without reflection. To live without regret is to believe that you have nothing to learn, no amends to make, and no opportunity to be braver with your life. Regrets are a crucial part of living a fulfilled life, much like failure is.”

Today marks 5 years that we lost Randy. I have a lot of regrets but I’m navigating them much better than I did for awhile. On the flip side, I have so many good memories and appreciation for the relationship we had. This song "Like I’m Gonna Lose You," has become a favorite of mine and it is impossible for me to listen to it without crying. But sometimes I want to cry. I need to cry. I want to feel the loss and the pain that I feel from losing him. I’m afraid when I stop crying I’ll lose him even more. And I don’t want to do that. So I drive and I blast this song and I cry.

It is impossible to live every moment like this ~ to love someone like you’re gonna lose them. Because life is full of so many things that require our time and attention, things that cause stress and tension; it’s called life. So amongst caring for our kids and grandkids, our kids activities, jobs, financial pressures, keeping up our house and cars and yards and pets and pools and laundry and sometimes the Joneses, church and civic responsibilities and demands, furthering our education, following our own dreams and pursuits and hobbies, finding time to be with friends and extended family, the time that should be for couples to spend together and work on their relationship gets put by the wayside, even with the best of intentions. So even though it’s impossible, it’s certainly worth trying. My advice to any couple is to make each other your priority. However often and whenever possible, love your partner like you’re gonna lose them. I wanted this to be positive so please don’t see it as me beating up myself. I’ve done enough of that. But if just one of you reads this and it reminds you to make the best of your time together with the person you love, it will make my heart very happy.

❤️ I wish I would have had more patience with Randy, before he got sick and after. Now in my defense, some of his characteristics required patience, but I should have found a way to have more.

❤️ I wish I would have kissed him more, hugged him tighter, held his hand more and told him that I loved him every day.

❤️ I wish I would have appreciated him more for all the many little things he did for me. I don’t think there was anything I would have asked of him that he would have said no to, except maybe singing on stage.

❤️I wish I had reminded him more often what a great father he was to our girls. He so deserved that. I see his goodness in all of them and I know they make him proud.

❤️I wish I hadn’t taken out all of my grief, stress, and frustrations on him. Please believe me when I say he was a better partner than I was.

❤️I wish we would have given ourselves permission to go on more family outings on the weekends. We worked all week, did all the cleaning and shopping and laundry and errands on Saturday and were in church on Sunday. Those outings would have created more sweet memories.

❤️I wish we would have taken more trips together, just the two of us.

❤️I wish I had cared less about what others thought of me, and more about what he thought of me.

❤️I wish I had loved him like I was gonna lose him.

The list could go on and on but these are the ones I think about the most often. I’ve posted this picture a lot but it’s definitely one of my favorites; maybe because I had just had my hair cut and colored and fixed and it looked pretty damn good! And we are smiling and happy, which is what I try to think about when I’m missing him.

I love and miss you every day Randy ❤️

I found myself dreamin'

In silver and gold

Like a scene from a movie

That every broken heart knows

We were walkin' on moonlight

And you pulled me close

Split second and you disappeared

And then I was all alone

] woke up in tears, with you by my side

A breath of relief, and I've realized

No, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna hold you

Like I'm saying goodbye

Wherever we're standin' 

I won't take you for granted'

Cause we'll never know when

When we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

In the blink of an eye

Just a whisper of smoke

You could lose everything

The truth is you never know

So I'll kiss you longer, babe 

Any chance that I get

I'll make the most of the minutes

And love with no regret

Let's take our time to say what we want

Before it's all gone

'Cause no, we're not promised tomorrow

So I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you 

I'm gonna hold you 

Like I'm saying goodbye

Wherever we're standin'

I won't take you for granted 

Cause we'll never know when

When we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you 

Like I'm gonna lose you 

I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you

I'm gonna love you 

Like I'm gonna lose you 

'm gonna hold you

Like I'm saying goodbye

Wherever we're standin

'I won't take you for granted'

Cause we'll never know when

When we'll run out of time

So I'm gonna love you

Like I'm gonna lose you 

I'm gonna love you