I Was Theirs, and They Were Mine

I have had old VHS tapes for up to 30+ years, mostly Christmas and birthdays and silly church talent shows. I haven’t watched them in years. I knew my mom and dad were embedded in the tapes and I didn’t think my heart could handle seeing them. I lost my mom when I was in my 30s and my dad in my 40s. They were amazing parents and grandparents and I have felt their loss every day of my life. My daughter recently had all the tapes digitized. The day they came we watched a couple and the minute I saw my dad and heard his voice I felt gut punched. I cried the rest of the night. Seeing my mom was equally hard. I literally have been watching them for three days.

It is hard to explain where they took me. It was almost like being in a Time Machine. I was no longer the retired lonely widow trying to find herself in the world after so many losses and changes. Instead I was a young mom who talked nonstop with her mom and dad and laughed at everything including my dad’s somewhat inappropriate jokes. I wasn’t balancing cooking Christmas dinner after everything else but instead just helping my mom in the kitchen. I was taking advantage of the support they gave me; taking a nap at their house in the bedroom and talking about which of my kids was going to spend the night with them and who they were going to pick up for me. I relished in knowing that I had their unconditional love, no matter what. They proved that many times. I got to see them spoil my kids, crying when saying goodbye to my oldest leaving out of state and tickling and teasing my other two and hearing them laughing incessantly. It was so sweet to watch my mom being so tender and loving with my girls and my niece and teasing my nephew.

When I lost my parents I lost all of that. I had the love of my husband and kids and other family and friends but it was different. Home was always a place I could go to feel taken care of and that all changed. I had become the matriarch of the family and all the responsibilities and weight of that on my shoulders. There were things I vowed to do in their memory; it’s not been easy but I’ve done it. I’ve done it for myself and my kids and my niece and nephew. We don’t have them but we can have their traditions.

After watching the reels of those memories I came back to my current state. Life happens. People leave us in different capacities. We have to adapt to trials and change. We take on new roles and all that comes with that. It didn’t take long for me to realize that I wasn’t that young mom who leaned on her parents. The young mom that loved being with her parents, loving their laughter and craziness and joy. I wasn’t that young mom with kids spread across 16 years, balancing a 2 year old at the same time an 18 year old. I wasn’t that wife that was trying to work through the ups and downs of marriage. I wasn’t that young social worker complaining about administration to my parents while they took my frustration and made it funny. I wasn’t that faithful church member singing all the Primary songs with my kids and reenacting the Nativity or dancing to Beauty and the Beast with them. No I certainly wasn’t.

I am an orphan of many years, a widow, a retired public service employee with years of blood sweat and tears. I am someone who is reexamining her faith and beliefs that governed her life for 50 years. I am a mother of 3 beautiful adult daughters and 4 granddaughters. I’m a mom, a Gigi, a mother in law, an aunt, a sister, a cousin, and a friend. Abraham Lincoln said “All that I am or hope to be I owe to my mother.” I would only change that to say my mother and father. I lost my parents young and I missed them so much. I grieved for many years and that grief manifested itself in many emotions including anger and depression. Watching the reels of life decades ago reminded me why that loss was so huge and deep and never ending for me. I wish I hadn’t waited so long to watch these memories. But now I have. And now I know that when I want to go back in time to a previous life so different than what I have now, I can click on a button and travel back in time; to a time where I was a daughter with amazing and loving parents who were my anchor in life. I miss being a daughter but I’m thankful for having parents who made me theirs, and them mine. ❤️