I MISS HIM! I MISS HAVING A PARTNER!

I'm always looking for ways to identify what I am going through. This explains it pretty well. The grieving for someone who is still here, but not really here. I keep thinking this is going to get easier over time, but it doesn't. In fact, in many ways it gets more difficult. Every day I miss my husband. Although we had FAR from a perfect relationship, he was my best friend. Once when I had felt betrayed by someone and was very hurt, he said "I'll always have your back." And I knew he would, no matter what. No matter how wrong I was in any situation, or how poorly I treated him, he had my back. And that is what I miss; having a partner to get through this life with. I have been overly sad and crying a lot lately and I'm not sure why - if it's the upcoming holidays or just feeling the losses more than usual. I started reading some old texts between him and I before he got sick. I decided I was going to make a list of everything I had asked him to do in those texts that he did, never saying "not today" or "I'm exhausted" or "do it yourself." (he wouldn't have dared 🙂) for a year. After writing down everything he had done for 3 months I didn't need to go on.

Those of you who have a partner will relate to these things, it's nothing different or above what everyone does. But to appease myself, the following is a list of the things he did, sometimes SEVERAL TIMES during a 3 month time frame: took packages in, called the optometrist, made a payment at the bank that I had failed to mail, bought groceries SEVERAL TIMES, picked up prescriptions SEVERAL TIMES, got gas for my car SEVERAL TIMES (yes! I was pretty spoiled), replaced two tires on a car we were lending to someone for the weekend, got cash for me from the bank, collected the rent and dealt with the rental which was a nightmare, picked up a gift certificate, helped unload a piece of furniture I bought and was delivered, checked on our upgrades for phones, dealt with our dog who was having seizures, took the Ipad in to Best Buy, went to different stores for me, called Roadside Assistance for one of our daughters, got dishes out of the storage for my friend, called a plumber for our running toilet, unplugged the shower, called about his Flex Benefits for me, picked up items from my brother, bought Easter candy, talked to and paid the cleaning lady, found the previous years taxes AND a hundred "put the clothes in the washer or start the dishwasher." This was of course after he had worked a VERY long day and had been up since about 4:00 am. This three months also happened to be when his sister died and we were planning a trip with all our family to Hawaii. There were a lot of "Love You!" and one text when his sister was getting very sick where I said "Don't get Alzheimer's on me" and he said "I won't." (little did we know. )

When you lose a partner or a parent or a sibling or a friend in this manner, you also lose all the things you did for each other. You lose the companionship. And with the losses, you're left to take care of the person whom you lost. Some people are left to do it alone. I'm very blessed to have people to help me, especially my daughter Erin who now takes care of a lot of these things on this list for me.  Sorry this is so long, it's more therapeutic for me than anyone else. But at the end of this Thanksgiving holiday, look at the people you share your life with and tell them you love them and you're thankful for them cause tomorrow everything could change. And there's no going back.

The article I was referring to is: Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive by Litsa Williams

In this picture, Randy and I are literally standing on two different sides of the earth!